Change is Good

So my video card came today...I spent $80 on it and for what? So I can play a MMO that I spend $15 on every month and buy more PC games.

I've been in a bit of a limbo state. I jump between fully loving gaming and fully disliking it.

I have probably thirty or so games that I own but maybe only played for about an hour or so. I think there's even some games I own that I haven't even touched since the day I bought them. I sit here and question why I bought them...Some of them are hard to find and I think that may have been what sparked my interest in buying them. I do consider myself a bit of a collector but I don't just buy games to say, "Hey! Look at what I have!" Like yesterday someone brought in some XBox games and in their trade-ins was a game that a friend of mine claims was destroyed and never reprinted. I thought about buying it from the guy just to say I owned it but I thought about it...I didn't have a XBox so I would never be able to play it so would it have been worth getting to just sit on my shelf? I figured it wouldn't be and let it go.

Even now I glance over at my games and think, "Why did I buy it...?" I look at my list of preorders and think, "Why am I buying these...?" Especially when I look at it from a financial point of view. I'm going to be dropping probably $60 every week for the next three weeks- Almost $100 in one day when Lich King and Mirror's Edge come out.

Lately, I just feel like it's a waste. All this money could go to something more: buying a car, saving up for an apartment, paying for college...Unlike some of my friends, I haven't rushed off to college and even after being promoted right after graduating high school and being told that I have a lot of potential at my job, I'm still told by "someone" (I won't say names) that I am wasting my life. It isn't that I don't want a better life, I just don't really know what to do with my life so I didn't want to go rushing off and spending thousands of dollars at a university without knowing what direction to go in. So I'm looking into community college here soon but that still doesn't seem to please "some people".

And then there's the emotional/mental part of it...I'm talentless. I can't sing, can't play an instrument, can't draw, can't dance, I'm not a model, can't play any sports, my writing isn't getting published...I'm just your average, everyday girl who wakes up, goes to work (at a GameStop mind you), and comes home to hit buttons. I'm not saying that my life is a complete waste; I have an amazing boyfriend whom I love dearly and have great friends, it's just that I don't feel as satisfied with beating games like I use to. I might spend a couple hundred hours with games but with nothing to show other than to say, "Hey I beat that!"

I still enjoy games...I still love playing them...I won't lie, I'm freaking out over my new video card and Fallout 3 coming out tonight but it's to the point where I want something more. So I think after Christmas, I'm going to follow me dream and buy a cello.